Acknowledging our part
On a recent (silent) retreat I was on, there were two rules regarding disrupting others:
1. Take great care that your actions do not disturb others
2. Pay no attention if others are performing disturbing actions
I like this approach because Rule #2 points toward an important realization: We play a role in our own disturbance. Yeah, someone might be making noise, but we have to choose to be upset by it.
I have noticed that the people who have the most difficulty following Rule #1 also have the most difficulty following Rule #2.
It reminds me also of a phrase that is sometimes said during qi-gong practice: "What others think of me is not my business."
Read that carefully. It is not just saying "Words cannot hurt me" or "Don't worry about what other people think." It is saying that such concerns are not my business. If I am occupying my mind with what you think of me, I am at fault! I am choosing to be concerned.
Learning to recognize the part that we play in what upsets us is an important part of taking responsibility for our actions. It's a lifelong process to do this skillfully. But it is so critically important. You have only to look around you to see the disastrous effects of people thinking that everything is someone else's fault.
Someone once asked the Dalai Lama how he responded when he found out that someone had lied to him. He said he first looked for ways that he might have influenced that to happen. For instance, he knows he is a very candid person who might accidentally tell someone else what a person said to him. Because of this personality trait, he accepts that people will sometimes lie to him, and doesn't get too upset (except to be concerned for their well-being; lying has poor consequences). How about that for taking responsibility for our place in the world?
1. Take great care that your actions do not disturb others
2. Pay no attention if others are performing disturbing actions
I like this approach because Rule #2 points toward an important realization: We play a role in our own disturbance. Yeah, someone might be making noise, but we have to choose to be upset by it.
I have noticed that the people who have the most difficulty following Rule #1 also have the most difficulty following Rule #2.
It reminds me also of a phrase that is sometimes said during qi-gong practice: "What others think of me is not my business."
Read that carefully. It is not just saying "Words cannot hurt me" or "Don't worry about what other people think." It is saying that such concerns are not my business. If I am occupying my mind with what you think of me, I am at fault! I am choosing to be concerned.
Learning to recognize the part that we play in what upsets us is an important part of taking responsibility for our actions. It's a lifelong process to do this skillfully. But it is so critically important. You have only to look around you to see the disastrous effects of people thinking that everything is someone else's fault.
Someone once asked the Dalai Lama how he responded when he found out that someone had lied to him. He said he first looked for ways that he might have influenced that to happen. For instance, he knows he is a very candid person who might accidentally tell someone else what a person said to him. Because of this personality trait, he accepts that people will sometimes lie to him, and doesn't get too upset (except to be concerned for their well-being; lying has poor consequences). How about that for taking responsibility for our place in the world?
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